The Visitation

This was the part I really wasn't looking forward to. I didn't want to stand around for two hours shaking hands and smiling. I didn't. But I would be brave for Dad. The visitation was scheduled for 6-8 p.m. at the funeral home.

We decided that we would meet at Wimpy's and have dinner there in Dad's honour. It was his very favourite place. They all new him. He'd walk down and have lunch or a snack frequently. Then he stopped walking and they actually called Mom to find out what had happened. He hadn't been in in ages, and we told them why we were there.

There were so many lovely friends to say hello to, and friends of Mom and Dad to meet. It was hard, but not too hard, and just when I was feeling really done, it was over. Thinking of Dad in the coffin, of his body being there, but not his spirit. It was weird, and hard. I wanted a moment to say goodbye. And I did. I had a little cry by the coffin. It was sad, but it felt good. And I thought my photo collages looked great! This business of dying, there's a lot to do. Mom will have lots to do too. But we do it happily to honour our wonderful Dad/Husband/Grandpa.

Daddy

I wanted to write on Monday. I wanted to pour my heart out, but there wasn't time.

Where to begin? Dad has been okay, sort of, but not really okay, for a while now. Last winter maybe, he starting getting frequent urinary tract infections. When they went to see the specialist his kindney function was at 25%. This is when Dad had to have a catheter round the clock and a bag of pee strapped to his leg. I think, but I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure this blow to his dignity was kind of the beginning of the end.

Mom was an amazing care giver, and through following all of the advice of the specialist, they got Dad's kidney function up to 35%, but the catheter wasn't going anywhere. Dad kind stopped moving. He wasn't walking to Hasty Market anymore. He wasn't going to Wimpey's anymore. He just didn't really go anywhere anymore.

When he stopped walking around with his walker, he stopped being able to.

The last while - I don't even know how long - months? A year? He would sit in his chair. He would go from one chair to another chair to bed. Mom and Dad got more help - morning and night help, but transfers from chair to chair to bed were getting harder and harder. He was put on waiting lists for nursing homes. He desperately didn't want to go to a nursing home, but it was getting to the point that Mom just couldn't take care of him anymore. That being said, he said no to two different nursing homes when his name came up.

He'd had a cough and a cold the last couple of weeks and wasn't doing very well. Mom asked that we keep Grandpa in our prayers, so when it was fast Sunday on November 4th I was fasting for him.

On the 4th Jon sent a group message to us siblings. He wanted to have an extra fast, a special fast for Dad. He wanted to fast that Dad would be okay to go into a nursing home, that his heart would be softened. We all agreed and planned to fast for him on the 11th.

On Thursday the 8th I got a call from Mom. The wound care nurse had been in and didn't like the sound of Dad's breathing and told Mom he needed to go to the hospital. He hadn't been eating or drinking properly and Mom couldn't move him, so she called the ambulance. Two ambulances and four paramedics later, and they had Dad loaded up to take him to Mackenzie Health Centre.

Mom called me, and told me the doctors thought he had pneumonia. I figured antibiotics, they'd send him home and Dad would be on the mend. But they didn't send him home. They wouldn't send him home and they didn't have a bed. Dad was in the back of the emergency department, in a bed, in a curtained off area. Jim MacDonald, and Jamie Bondy went to give him a blessing, Darlene - Jim's wife, went along too. Jim sent me the following message about the blessing on Saturday - "The priesthood blessing was very specific for him to be at peace and that he would make it through the night and then the doctors will take care of him after that." Dad had asked Jim to look after his Ruthie.

I went to the hospital Thursday night and stayed with Dad for a bit. His breathing was awful. He looked awful. He wasn't comfortable, and he couldn't sleep. He looked so tired. He was shivering when I got there, so the nurse brought an extra blanket, but then when she was checking him ten minutes later realized that he was all wet - so she and another nurse changed his blankets and gown. The light wouldn't go off in his little curtained room - it was broken. There was a toddler sobbing in the next curtain over, and an old woman two curtains over that was really upset, bored, wanted a room and wanted a doctor. It felt awful. I kept thinking "how does anyone get better here?"

I left when Dad eventually chased me out - I had school in the morning - back to back Remembrance Day Assemblies. Andrew went when he was done work. It was concerning, but Dad's strong, he's a fighter and I just figured meds, fluids, and he'd be back home.

I didn't go see him Friday, but chatted with Mom. He was a little better and he had a room on the third floor and we would bring the girls to see him Saturday.

Saturday came and I finished my progress reports, and we finally in the late afternoon left to go see Dad. The girls each made a get well picture for him. Kate made a picture of a magical ice cream pill that would give Grandpa huge muscles and make him well.

He was alert. He was agitated. He was hard to understand. His voice was so gravelly. I did understand him though when he said "I'm depressed, I hate it here". Mom was hopeful she'd be taking him back home on Tuesday. 

Ken and I had already begun our fast. After our visit we took the girls back to my parents place - picking up some groceries for Mom and subway sandwiches for the girls. We went for a swim, and then saw my Mom again.

Sunday. Right when my phone went from being in do not disturb mode to vibrating after church, a call came through. It was Mom. She was at the hospital. Dad was now considered critical. He was septic. They wanted to move him to the ICU. Mom was in distress. I asked her if she wanted me to come to the hospital, she said yes. I left the girls with Ken and left immediately.

I had been fasting that Dad would have a softened heart. That he would be ready to go into a nursing home. When I was driving out of the parking lot I had a different feeling. I felt that my prayer should be for Dad to return to his Heavenly Home. 

I phoned Suzanne, and Jon and Andrew and updated them. I got to the hospital and Dad was really out of it. They had an oxygen tube under his nose and he kept ripping it out. He kept trying to rip everything out and get out of the bed. He was so upset.

Mom and I were standing there talking and after Dad pulled away his oxygen for the fifth time Mom didn't put it back. Moments later the nurse was in, she freaked out and then a whole team arrived. They put an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. I tried to interrupt, worried they were going to do something invasive, but no one would really listen to me.

Earlier when the ICU doctor came downstairs he'd asked Dad if he wanted to go to the ICU and Dad had said no. The doctor (Dr. Dwosh - Dad's doctor in the ICU eight years ago) told Dad he might die if he didn't go into the ICU. This agitated Dad.

When Dad's colour got better and the team of nurses and doctors turned to me and Mom, I made it clear. No ICU, no tubing, no intubation, no compressions. They needed to make Dad comfortable. Mom was asked for her agreement. She made verbal agreement and then she and a nurse went over Dad's chart to update it. 

A nurse came in and put a line in Dad's leg, and gave him some pain meds. I'm not sure what they gave him, but Dad went to sleep. It wasn't a natural sleep, but he was peaceful for the first time.

At some point before/during all of this, I had leaned over and made eye contact with Dad. I'd pulled my mask down and there was recognition in his face. His eyes were bright and he knew I was there.

At some point Andrew came in. 

When Dad was finally comfortable I started to feel peaceful. And I prayed that his suffering wouldn't be prolonged. I sat beside his bed and prayed for him to go home. 

Mom and Andrew left to go eat and I stayed. I felt so calm. So comforted. So peaceful. I wasn't sure how much longer Dad was going to live, but it really felt like this was it.

Around 4 I started to feel like I needed to go home. I think I left after five. Mom and Andrew stayed, and Dad continued to sleep.

Around 7 Mom went home. Andrew left around 8, and still Dad slept.

Mom called the hospital before she went to bed. Dad was still sleeping peacefully. I plugged my phone in and left my ringer on. Jon plugged his phone in and left his ringer on. Jon, Suzanne, Mom and I all felt like Dad was going to be leaving us, and soon.

At about 1:30, Jon called. Dad had passed.

None of us slept much that night. I couldn't believe that he had passed so quickly. I felt so relieved and thankful. Dad's body was so done. He had fought for so long. Mom had been an amazing care-giver for so long. And now it was done.

I love my Dad so very much. It's Thursday now. It's been a very long, very strange week.  The visitation at the funeral home is tomorrow. The funeral is on Saturday. I haven't been at work all week and I haven't really had to deal with people. I've seen family and close friends, we've gotten things planned and done. Now that the "end" is here, I feel like I might fall apart a bit. I don't want to, but I might.

I'm so grateful for the plan of salvation. I'm so grateful for to know where my Dad is. I'm grateful that I am sealed to him. I'm grateful that we had him for so long. 

I will be brave for you tomorrow Dad. You were so brave for so long!

Howard Edward Bacon

March 10, 1940 - November 12, 2018

Halloween!

We had such a beautiful Halloween this year. It was clear, and kind of warm - well warm for October. Kate didn't even wear a coat. It was my turn to go out trick or treating this year, and Ken stayed at home to hand out the candy. He had fun jumping up from a chair and scaring kids, and I had fun watching the girls interact with our neighbours. I really do love Halloween - the fun of it, the coming together of everyone in the community, the candy!

I can't remember exactly when we watched the Wizard of Oz with the girls - but after driving through Kansas this summer they were curious. I've never thought very much of the movie, but I actually enjoyed watching it with the girls. It was surprising to me how many famous lines are from the Wizard of Oz.

This led to the girls deciding to do a Wizard of Oz theme for their costumes. Kate as Dorothy, Alice as the Wicked Witch and Fiona as the Good Witch Glinda. I was commissioned to make the costumes. Kate's costume was required right away, as she had a birthday party that asked everyone to come in costume.

Alice and Fiona's costumes were much more last minute! But everything came together and everyone looked super cute!

The girls had lots of fun trick or treating and got a reasonable amount. If there is in fact a reasonable amount!

We went up and down our street, two streets nearby and then we came home and drove over to visit Kate's friends Stella, Arianna, and we went to the Primary President's house. We all love Lynn and Lynn loves Halloween! I wish I'd got a picture of Lynn and the girls, but I didn't.

Ken and the girls carved pumpkins last Sunday when I was at the Stake Meetings. And then Ken carved his own pumpkin earlier tonight.

All in all another wonderfully fun Halloween! I'm going to miss this when the girls are too old!

A Perfect Fall Day

Lately we don't leave the house early on a Saturday, no one wants to move quickly, but today we had to! We left the house just after 8 a.m. to head to the temple. The primary held an activity that started at 9:00, and coincided with the ward temple trip. We dropped the girls off and Ken and I were able to go to the temple to do an endowment session.

After a lovely session I walked over to get the girls while Ken was picking something up for me, at the distribution centre. It was a little overcast, a little cool, but a beautiful day.

The girls had a wonderful time. The primary leaders are so awesome! I'm so thankful for Lynn Yates, Debbie Penney, and Ava Ulloa, they do so much for the kids! 

When I got to the Stake Centre to meet the girls, who should be there, but my Mom! She had been planning to go the temple herself, but had a neighbour in need. After the activity we drove north two blocks and had lunch at the McDonald's. The girls enjoyed the play place, and we all enjoyed visiting.

After we said our goodbyes, we drove north and west. Ken wanted to head to Belfountain and find somewhere to go on a hike, and that's exactly what we did. 

We made a stop at Tim Horton's on the way home, came home and everyone had a "snack" for dinner. I continued working in my talk and Ken took the girls grocery shopping. They picked out their pumpkins.

Saturdays like today are just so much perfection! I'm so thankful for the temple, for family and for fall.

Day Ten

Today is day ten of the social media fast. I haven't looked at Instagram or Facebook in the past ten days. I've used Facebook messenger, and tonight I sent someone a message on Instagram because that's my only contact for that person, but I haven't looked at the sites.

Last week, I felt the absence keenly. Ken left Sunday night to travel to Las Vegas for the week. He and his company went to a conference and he didn't come home until Friday. I missed him terribly, and I felt the absence of my Facebook world. I felt the absence of the voices of friends. I felt very lonely. I spent the first few days thinking about my day in terms of Facebook status updates. I even wrote down a few funny things the girls said to share after the fast was over.

I'm not sure if my not remembering to miss Facebook happened because Ken came home, or it just coincided with it being a few days and I was just out of the habit.

President Nelson said this in General Conference: First, I invite you to participate in a 10-day fast from social media and from any other media that bring negative and impure thoughts to your mind. Pray to know which influences to remove during your fast. The effect of your 10-day fast may surprise you. What do you notice after taking a break from perspectives of the world that have been wounding your spirit? Is there a change in where you now want to spend your time and energy? Have any of your priorities shifted—even just a little? I urge you to record and follow through with each impression.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling. I'm really not. Oddly enough I feel afraid of the fast ending. I feel afraid to go back on Facebook. I don't think I'm ready to quit the place altogether. There are so many friends and family I keep in touch with. I love seeing pictures, hearing peoples news. But what is it doing for me. How have I felt these past ten days?

The one thought that came was that maybe I'll just look at Facebook on the weekend. I know I have wasted a lot of time on Facebook - so much time. I'm not exactly sure what I've accomplished in the past ten days without Facebook. My house is still a mess, I have projects that aren't done, blog posts that aren't written, marking and school work to do. I don't know if I've noticed any extra time the past ten days. And maybe that's because I'm still looking at my phone. I've still played a few puzzle games - but one or two in a day, and I've watched a few funny videos on YouTube, maybe one a day. I don't sit and watch tv, I don't really sit very often. The girls take so much time. What little housework I have time to do, takes so much time. Commuting takes time, my work takes time. That is my constant lament, the lack of time. So how then do I justify time on Facebook? It is entertainment. It is something I enjoy. It is something that is sometimes uplifting. I do sometimes get sucked into reading posts that just aren't important and waste my time and sometimes are depressing. But I know I like to share, and I know that I entertain my friends and family. I know there is an important connection there. I just know that I need to do better to be in control of it and not it in control of me.

I think the last ten days have been more peaceful. I suppose the Book of Mormon reading challenge given in the same talk by President Nelson would have something to do with that!

I'm grateful for a living prophet. I'm grateful for the spirit of revelation, for the guiding influence of the Holy Ghost - for the peace and reassurance of the comforter. I have enjoyed the break from Facebook. It's been good to step back

Conference Thoughts - Oct 2018

188th General Conference

President Nelson
- new balance and connection between gospel instruction between home and church
- objective of church, to strengthen faith in Jesus Christ - to make and keep covenants
- no one else can do what a righteous woman can do
- pray, who would you have me help today
- leave the world behind
- what's in a name - everything - we are inadvertently removing him from our lives when we remove his name from the church - if we do our part - with this important work - the Lord will bless us - the power of the blessings on us if we do this simple thing
- study these messages
- seek to re-model our home into gospel centered learning - the influence of the adversary will diminish in your home
- our need to be in the temple regularly has never been greater - make a regular appointment - keep it
- the Lord will bring the miracles you need as you serve
- spending time in the temple will improve your life

Quentin L. Cook
- consistent daily efforts bring true conversion
- Home centered, church supported - deepen conversion, strengthen home and family, honouring the Sabbath Day, Blessings of the temple

M. Joseph Brough
- sometimes we have to face hard things
- trusting in the Lord - be of good cheer "I have overcome the world"

Steven R. Bangerter
- what are the small and simple things that will help our children
- establish wholesome traditions that teach the gospel of Jesus Christ

Ronald A. Rasband
- fear is nothing new - the Lord is with us, blessing us in ways only he can do
1) Stand in holy places 2) Be not troubled 3) Trust the Lord and his promises
- Take heart - we live in perilous times, but if you stay on the covenant path, you do not need to be afraid

David A. Bednar
- gathering together in one - all things in Christ
- church organizations exist to strengthen homes and family
- increased perspective and power as we strive to gather as one in Christ

Dallin H. Oaks
- seek truth - spiritual methods
- God has a plan for us - marriage between a man and a woman is part of God's plan, gender is eternal
- keep on the covenant path
***********************
- if you are unkind - change - be kind to others, small actions of unkindness can have devastating consequences 
(re-read Oct 2015 - A Plea to My Sisters - Russell M. Nelson)
- being a mother - highest priority

D. Todd Christofferson
- the tests and trials of life can lead to full conversion, if we don't harden our hearts and stiffen our necks

Dean M. Davies
- if our lives are to become temples, what building blocks do we need to put in place to withstand the storms of life

Ulisses Soares
- when we adopt Christlike attributes, we see things differently
- we need the strength of new members, they need to feel welcome

Gerrit W. Gong
- creative expression - the light will come, if we seek it
- find joy in wholesome creativity

Paul B. Pieper
- taking the name of Christ upon themselves - TAKE is an action word

Dieter F. Uchtdorf
- we achieve the abundant life by becoming true disciples of Jesus Christ - by forgetting ourselves and engaging in the great cause of Christ - And what is the cause of Christ? It is to believe in Him, love as He loved, and do as He did.
- strengthen the church - lift up - don't criticize
(Do I have the humility needed to improve?)

Joy D. Jones
- in serving, we let our light shine to glorify God - it is always between us and the Lord

Michelle D. Craig
- never suppress a generous thought
- what you have to give is more than enough, with the grace of God
- Divine discontent can move us to act in faith, follow the Savior’s invitations to do good, and give our lives humbly to Him.

Cristina B. Franco
- are we giving our all to the Lord?
- it's about the love behind the action

Henry B. Eyring
- Whatever your personal circumstance - you are a key family member in God's family - you need to know who to nurture
*****************
- treat every person like they're going through a really hard time - and you'll be right half the time

M. Russell Ballard
- may we understand God's love and his plan
- faithful service amidst so much pain/loss (Joseph F. Smith - great grandfather of Ballard)
(Read Doctrine and Covenants 138)

Bonnie H. Cordon
- we are all important
- the righteous saw those in need because they were watching
- we can make certain no one walks alone

Jeffrey R. Holland
- be ambassadors of Christ - be a peacemaker - make peace - forgive and you will be forgiven

Shayne M. Bowen
- the Book of Mormon - the most powerful tool of conversion

Neil L. Andersen
- trials come to each of us - because this is mortality
- when difficulties come, they can take our breath away - we need to be prepared, not alarmed
- these struggles become our greatest teachers - earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal - the Savior promised - I will not leave you comfortless

Brian K. Ashton
- Heavenly Father has an eternal perspective - He can see things we cannot see - Heavenly Father wants only what's best for us

Robert C. Gay
- See as God sees - he sees us and who we can be
- Do His work - lives are saved as we serve
- There is no enduring joy outside the gospel - Jesus' love is greater than our fears, our pain - whatever price you must pay to be aligned with the Savior - do it

Matthew L. Carpenter
- the Savior will heal us - we cannot control healing - it is his timeline - healing for our physical bodies and our spirits
- repentance - God's plan because He knows we will fail - fear prevents us - act quickly - repent

Dale G. Renlund
- so, choose faith in Christ; choose repentance; choose to be baptized and receive the Holy Ghost; choose to conscientiously prepare for and worthily partake of the sacrament; choose to make covenants in the temple; and choose to serve the living God and His children. Our choices determine who we are and who we will become

Jack N. Gerard
- if there's anything in your life you need to consider - now is the time
- Oaks 2007 - We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families
- the best things in life are centered on Jesus Christ
- Nelson - we must learn to receive revelation
- Jacob 4:13 - the spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not

Gary E. Stevenson
- ministering assistance - more than just being kind
- everyone is a shepherd
- our greatest challenges come and our greatest blessings - in ministering - finding lost sheep requires significant time

I am so grateful for a true and living prophet upon the earth today. I am so grateful for this counsel. 

A Social Media Fast

Twice a year, my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, holds General Conference. It's ten hours of broadcasts over two days. It's long and amazing and I feel so uplifted, so happy and so energized to improve myself after watching. We listen to the leaders of the church speak about gospel topics that they've been working on for months. We listen to our prophet speak. It is inspiring. I'm so grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I'm so thankful for my testimony of Jesus Christ, for my relationship with him. I try to be like him, I fail everyday, but I keep trying. I want to help people to be happy, to feel loved.

On Saturday night at the General Women's Session our dear Prophet asked us women to do four things:
1) Observe a ten day social media fast, meditate and pray during this time to know which things to remove from your life.
2) Read the Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year, mark verses that speak of the Savior, be intentional in talking of Christ - teach those who you love what you learn in the scriptures.
3) Establish a pattern of temple attendance.
4) Participate fully in Relief Society. Read and study the purpose statement.

He encouraged us to leave the world behind.

There are so many other things that we were encouraged to do, be loving, be kind, look out for one another, take care of each other, serve each other, to walk the covenant path, to teach the gospel in our homes, build our foundations on Jesus Christ.

I'm going to stay off of Facebook and Instagram for ten days, and see how I feel. Try to figure out what my participation in social media really brings to my life. I know I love to connect with family. I know that I love to make people laugh, and share the real-ness of my life with Ken and the girls. I enjoy the interaction, I really do. I know sometimes I probably waste too much time scrolling and scrolling and scrolling forever, and other times I don't. I'm curious to see how I'll feel in ten days.