Being

I felt so sad yesterday afternoon. The weekend was already finishing and it just didn't feel like enough. I feel ungrateful now, but yesterday I just felt overwhelmed with sadness. I took the girls out on Saturday so Ken could work. He took the girls out Sunday so I could work. Ken wasn't feeling well. The house was (still is) a mess.

As Ken and I lay in bed last night chatting I cried a little. I cried because I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of the frenetic pace where nothing is ever enough. I'm tired of being angry mommy. I told Ken that when I was home (on maternity leave) with the girls the days that were the worst days were the ones where I had a time line, the days where I had things to do - me me me. Not that me wanting to clean up or run errands is selfish, but it was my time line, my agenda. The best days were the ones where everyone had time.

We were specifically talking about Fiona and how difficult we're both finding her right now. She is so obstinate sometimes, and of course she is at her worst when it's the worst time - getting ready to go out in the morning and bedtime.

I thought about after school pickup, how the girls transition, how I get them to transition. How am I helping them transition? Do I greet them with a smile, or with tired impatience? Last night I thought about what I could change, how I could do things differently.

We had a really great night tonight. I came in to the girls aftercare rooms calmly and happily. I sat down with Fiona and asked her about her creations, asked her if she needed more time, or if she was ready to go? She was happy to see me and she told me she'd had a great day. Alice the same, and Kate the same. I took time to greet each girl and talk to them for a minute.

We got home and the girls willingly helped do their chores, Kate practiced piano, Fiona and Alice played and snacked while I made dinner. After dinner the girls had some screen time, Ken came home, the girls had Family Home Evening dessert. We sort of talked about obedience - sort of. Kate read to me. Ken read to Alice and Fiona. Everyone was calm. I was calm.

At bedtime we read scriptures, I only raised my voice slightly once, and then quickly apologized to poor Alice - a misunderstanding, the girls went to bed without fights - we started early enough and the girls were great. It's only taken me until the end of October to adjust to being back at work. EEK!

There's a quote by L.R. Knost that really resonates with me. "When our little people are overwhelmed by big emotions it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos." I want to more fully live this. I'm not always going to get it right, but I'm going to try.