Being a Mom

Wednesday

Right now, this minute, feeling like a failure, it feels like there are never good days. It feels like my children are always rude and selfish and I just want to give up. 

We went to Black Creek Pioneer Village today. We hadn't been in seven years. The last time we were there was with Wendy and Ray. We had such a lovely, lovely time and I was looking forward to going today. We met Mom and CJ and we went on a guided tour with two other families in our group - covid restrictions are still in place and you can't wander and visit any buildings - you go into the buildings that are on the tour. 

Kate was anxious because she has a bit of a cough and she hasn't been feeling well. I really wanted her to come - she hasn't left the house since Saturday, and she's getting better and I wanted her to come. I thought she'd enjoy it.

I had promised Alice we would go - she should have visited a pioneer village in grade 3 - but never had the chance. She was excited. 

Fiona was Fiona and she was excited.

The tour was great, I really enjoyed it and learned a lot. Kate hovered between being anxious and angry and got more and more upset the whole time. She was upset that she didn't get to touch animals, she was upset that Fiona was being Fiona - wandering everywhere, and she was upset that CJ was taking pictures constantly and then the kick in the teeth to all of us, the gift shop was closed (the girls had all helped to weed in exchange for something from the gift shop). 

By the time we got to the car she was so so done. She hadn't eaten any lunch - she didn't feel like eating on the way there and she was just done.

We started driving home and we were talking and then I had to stop suddenly and her snack ended up on the floor and then it was just not good. By the time we got to Ajax I was done. I pulled over about 3 kms from home and told Kate that she needed to apologize to Alice (the victim of her wrath) or walk home. We sat there for 30 minutes. Kate finally apologized and we drove home.

After more sassy behaviour Kate was sent to her room. But then I wanted someone to take the dog for a walk - I asked Kate, she shut the door in my face. I asked Alice, she said no. That put me over the edge. I felt like the worst mom with the worst most selfish kids ever. 

I took the dog on a walk, came home and retreated to the backyard. Alice and Fiona followed me. I was so upset still and the little monkeys didn't pick up on it at all.

Ken made us dinner, the girls had leftovers. It was toastmaster night, so Ken was out - well online. I had banned the kids from screens for the rest of the day so they all went off to the basement to play and since cone-dog was all about biting, I took him out for another walk. I walked and wandered and walked and wondered and I still didn't feel better.

I got home right before bedtime. Ken recognizing that I was still upset sent me to the grocery store. After picking up what was needed I drove around a bit with a treat - rootbeer from McDonald's - and there might have been chips involved - I never eat my feelings (insert sarcastic tone), but that's a different issue for another day...

Thursday

Today is always a new day fresh with no mistakes in it - Anne of Green Gables. I've loved this quote since I heard it. I love it because it's so hopeful and true. Today was a new day, and there's no time like the present to make things better. At 9 a.m. I kicked the girls off screens and we sat down to chat. I told the girls how upset I was yesterday. At their unwillingness to be helpful, and how taken advantage of I felt. We agreed on some new parameters and made a schedule - loose, but with a little shape to it. 

Today has been a much better day, a pretty quiet day, but so much better! A trip to the dentist for Fiona and a trip to the vet for Milo who ripped some stitches sometime last night or this morning. 

I love my girls so much. I love that most of the time they are helpful, and most of the time they are thankful, that most of the time they get along, and most of the time they are working on choosing the right. I'm grateful for forgiveness and repentance. That there is always hope of a new and better tomorrow. I'm thankful that I can forgive my girls and move forward, and I'm so grateful that they forgive me and allow me to move forward too.

A Tottenham Half Birthday

Ken asked me this morning when we were going to stop doing half birthdays. I didn't have an answer; I didn't want to answer! It's not a big to-do at all, it's silly fun, and why give that up?!

Today we made the trek up to Tottenham. It was supposed to be a swim day at the Tokarev's and then we'd have a beach day at our place in August (like last summer), and that is sort of what happened! 

It was overcast this morning and cold and the forecast called for rain, all day. I had been hoping all week that the forecast would change, but it didn't. We left just after ten in the pouring rain. The drive was good, the girls watched a movie and the rain wasn't too crazy.

Michelle made an amazing lunch - naan pizza for the girls, and cheesy cauliflower bread sticks and salad for us. Michelle's compassionate and thoughtful heart always comes through in her cooking. She picked the perfect lunch for my girls who have a very specific palate and she made a yummy lunch for me remembering about my food sensitivities! A dear friend indeed!

It is of course Kate's half birthday today so we brought the infamous "seed cookies". (Store bought sugar cookies with sprinkles.) It was fun to celebrate with Marisol and Amelie as we've had so many birthdays together!

After lunch the girls played for a bit, then they swam - sort of. Fiona desperately wanted to swim and she did for about five minutes. Then she had a good cry because she was so cold and sad. She has been looking forward to swimming for ages, and she was just too cold to enjoy it. Marisol tried to warm her up, but it just wasn't meant to be. Marisol and Kate both went in briefly as well, but Alice and Amelie, they swam for over an hour! 

Obligatory selfie!

Michelle and I chatted for hours, the girls played and before we knew it, it was time to go. There was so much to talk about after such a crazy pandemic year. There have been so many consequences because of shut downs, so many! 

Part two, our August beach day, might happen in September, but it also might not happen at all. Michelle, Alexei and the girls are taking a year off to travel this next year. The sabbatical year should have been last year, but when Covid shut the world down, Michelle postponed until this year. The first leg of their journey starts a week Monday when they head off to Halifax to spend the rest of the summer at Michelle's Mom's. They're back for a week at the beginning of September and then off to Paraguay. I'm so excited for them and this amazing adventure that lies in wait. 

Marisol and Kate - April 2010

Marisol and Kate - July 2021

Looking at these three pictures again cracks me up. Fiona and her unchanging face of mild annoyance with her mother's incessant "sit here and smile for another picture"!

And to my Kate on this her half birthday. "I'm half way to being a teenager." She told me this morning. Teenage years are so so much Kate! Be brave and courageous, you can do this! I had my ups and downs in my teenage years but there was much of beauty and joy and fun amidst the painful life lessons that need to be learned. You can do this!! You have so much beauty in your heart and your face. I hope you will learn to be patient with yourself. You are loved more than you can possible understand by more people than you can possibly comprehend! Happy Half Birthday my beautiful Kate!

Fiona's Baptism

The planning that has been this day! The preparation! Fiona has taken the choice to be baptized very differently than her sisters. Both Kate and Alice entered the waters of baptism without hesitation. Fiona was full of hesitation and doubt throughout the whole process, and that wasn't entirely different today. 

Last year after the lockdown started in March I kept thinking of the words that the mission president said in the special area meeting that I went to in February of 2020, "missionaries need to teach". The sister missionaries in our ward were just the sweetest. We started having weekly zoom appointments with the missionaries. We talked about the Old Testament, we talked about gospel ideas, we talked about a lot. Fiona and I were also reading Book of Mormon stories and other books and resources. Fiona was very unsure about getting baptized until she wasn't. The choice to be baptized was hers. She was not forced into the waters of baptism, but the nervousness and apprehension didn't completely go away. I hope that she will continue to learn and grow in the gospel and that it will give her more peace and comfort as she grows.

Planning anything in covid-land is a challenge. We got word that as of July things were going to open up a little, which meant we could invite a few friends to Fiona's baptism as well as family! So we did!

We took some cute pics of Fiona in the dress that Kate and Alice also wore to their baptism ceremonies, but it wasn't the dress they were actually baptized in. 

The girls and I set up the gym - socially distanced chairs and I cleaned the font.

For her baptism we had the service in the gym and then we had an ice cream sundae bar outside. Grab your ice cream and then head out to the parking lot where we could hang out under the trees and not worry about being over capacity. Fiona was very anxious about who would be there watching her. She wasn't interested in opening it up to the whole ward. I had to convince her to invite everyone that we invited. It felt like we hardly invited anyone but we still had 28 people and our family of five on top of that. 

For the program, Kate and Alice sang My Baptism Promise. Holden gave the opening prayer. Kate spoke about baptism. Alice spoke about the Holy Ghost. Then Fiona was baptized by her Dad, Kate and Alice standing as witnesses. During the time Fiona changed her clothing, everyone wrote her notes. Fiona was then confirmed by Ken. (Ken McCartney - her grandpa, Ken Peck, Joaquin Molina, Brendan Peck and William Radcliffe were all in the circle) Sis Brady welcomed her officially to primary, and Bro Penney to the ward. Then Hazel and Emily sang When I am Baptized, and Auntie Laura Molina gave the closing prayer. 

It was a lovely service. It was a lovely day. Fiona was still a bit unsettled. She cried after she was baptized. It was a lot and I think she was still feeling overwhelmed by the seriousness of what she was doing. 

I'm grateful to all of our friends and family that were part of today. I'm thankful that even though Fiona is still a little anxious about the future, she had the faith to be baptized today. I hope that all of us in her life can help her to grow that faith.

Fiona's 8th Birthday

 I decorated the table before I went to bed.

Fiona had presents from her Mom and Dad, her sisters, her uncle Andrew and her primary leaders. She loved opening all her presents!

Ken made birthday pancakes!

Fiona wanted a Duplo cake, and she had very strict instructions for how she wanted it to look. Ken made her cake the way she wanted it (half pink and half purple) and she loved it! The blue and white tiles spell out Duplo.

Grandma and CJ came to wish Fiona happy birthday. We stayed in the backyard for the visit. Alice played chess with Grandma. Grandma made a lap blanket for Fiona, and she gave her some money.

CJ took it upon himself to strengthen our beach umbrella.

As a funny aside... Ken and I were sitting in the backyard at one point and the dog was pretty hyper. He came running and jumped on the trampoline, bearing his teeth. It looked really funny. 

Then he came down off the trampoline and barked and barked and barked at me and I had no idea why he was barking. I stood up to kind of go to him and see what was wrong, and he jumped in my chair, cheeky Milo!

Fiona picked waffles for dinner on her birthday. Ken made yummy gluten free waffles, and regular waffles.

Watching Fiona try to blow out the candles was hilarious! She blew and blew and blew and giggled and couldn't blow properly. We were all laughing so much!

Alice loves pulling faces in the background lol. The girls loved the cake. We had a happy, happy day today! Fiona is the so often the sunshine in our family with lots of laughter and giggles. 

The next big Fiona event will be her baptism. We've been talking about it for a while, but we're not any further along in the planning. Fiona desperately wants Hazel and her family to be there, but with numbers the way they are now, we wouldn't have room for any family. We're hoping that things will open up soon and we can have a baptism with friends and family!

This now officially ends birthdays for the year for our family. I think it's funny that we're all in the first half of the year! We love you Fiona, Fifi, Fifi-lona!